I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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