I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
