I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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