2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
