Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize