I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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