Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
