Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
