My first STD was from a foam party
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
