So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
