She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
