Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
