i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
