i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
