she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
