Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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