whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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