So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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