I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
