Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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