One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
