proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
