I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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