just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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