best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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