Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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