I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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