Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
