A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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