I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
