i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
