nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize