i just snorted my name. best moment ever
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
