i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize