The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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