I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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