you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize