look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
