I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
