Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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