Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize