New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
