Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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