Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
