I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
