In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm at about main and main street
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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