She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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