i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
