you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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