can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
