I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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