I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
