Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
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