I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
