i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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