I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
