We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
