I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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