that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
