apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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