No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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