I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
