is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
