rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
