I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
