Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
