Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
