my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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