Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
