I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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