Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
