the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
